Legislate this

The deadline for filing new legislation in Arkansas’ 87th General Assembly has come and gone. This welcome calendar event reduces by half the anxiety of Arkansans with an interest in and/or basic understanding of what 135 of our fellow and fellowette Arkansans do whenever they convene.

Prior to the bill-filing deadline, one worried about the status of legislation already filed and worried about the legal chicanery about to be filed. Now all we have to worry about is the promulgation of the proposed. And with our esteemed legislators pursuing good intentions to create government rules making our lives better, we also must worry about unintended socio-economic consequences that pile up like bad yard art in a trailer park.

If we as a society have given in to the government-knows-best mantra, which it appears we have, then let’s go to the wall with it. In for a penny, in for a pound, as they say. Bring on those unintended consequences! You want a bill to prevent televised church services or them silly Sunday morning news shows with political leaders blabbing about blabberty-blab-blabbity from interrupting early coverage of NASCAR? “What the hell, let’s file that bill!”

With that in mind, here are a few bills that would enliven the work of reporters, libertarians and signature-gatherers for recall petitions.

• An Act to rename the Janet Huckabee Nature Center at Chaffee Crossing.
Whereas Janet Huckabee ain’t from the Fort Smith area and we folks in the Fort Smith area weren’t even asked about our naming ideas in the first place;
Whereas it was just plain insensitive to name a big-ass building smack dab in the middle of the area after someone who might traipse through the area twice a decade;
Whereas the folks in the Fort Smith area will personally scratch off the Janet Huckabee portion from all the signs at NO COST to the state and replace it with a name we deem more appropriate;
Therefore, the new name will be selected by area citizens from the following list of names: The Wells Lake Nature Center; The (insert name here of individual or corporation that donates the most to the U.S. Marshals Museum) Nature Center; The (insert name here of Governor or President who forwards the funding to construct I-49 through western Arkansas) Nature Center; and, The Peter Lewis Nature Center.

• An Act to Cut Global Warming by Discouraging Extra Consonants in a Person’s Name.
Whereas parents in Arkansas continue to name their offspring Lynn or Glenn or Criss or LaTronn and by doing so, inject the increased use of consonants into various aspects of society;
Whereas that’s just dumb because Glen or LaTron possesses the same pronunciation;
Whereas the extra computer keystrokes, print ink and electricity used to manipulate said consonants through the Internets and on the backs of football jerseys creates a wasteful use of said electricity;
Therefore, any parent insisting on an extra consonant for a child is required to pay a $10,000 fine per consonant (make checks payable to Al Gore) and must place a “Consonants Kill Polar Bears” bumpersticker on the hybrid vehicle they will be required to purchase and operate.

• An Act to further Restrict Parental Involvement in the Lives of Their Children
Whereas the Arkansas Legislature has previously mandated how many teenagers can travel in a car at one time and at what times they are allowed to drive,
Whereas we in state government continue to have better ideas on how to raise your nitwit kids because you self-absorbed parents are too busy watching “The Biggest Loser” and/or Matt Jones ruin his life, and we well-intended geniuses in state government are determined to march toward the goal of removing the possibility of accidental harm, bad judgment or the learning of life lessons during the formative teenage years.
Therefore, all teenagers of driving age are allowed to drive a total 10.5 miles from their home in a one-day period, must drive with complete protective gear as used by NASCAR drivers (the cost of such gear borne by parents), must use a vehicle mechanically altered to not travel faster than 43 miles an hour, can only drive between 6 a.m. and 6:15 a.m., and must use a vehicle mechanically altered as to completely stop at the ringing of a cell phone within a 50-foot radius.

• An Act to Limit the Number of Bills Filed during an Arkansas General Assembly.
Whereas members of the Arkansas General Assembly typically file more than 3,000 bills a session, with all but 17 of those appearing to contain anything resembling necessity;
Whereas bills saluting “Billy Joe Buckner for rescuing Aunt Maude’s poodle trapped in that flat-bottomed boat what got loose and was heading down a Mulberry River swollen from early Spring rains” is just so much pandering nonsense;
Therefore, only 20 bills (five from each congressional district) can be filed during regular sessions of the Arkansas General Assembly, and only four bills (one from each congressional district) can be filed during special sessions.

• An Act to Note that Legal Notices don’t Necessarily have to be filed in Newspapers.
Whereas local, state and federal government rules requiring the public filing of legal notices direct such activity to alleged “Newspapers of Record”;
Whereas many “Newspapers of Record” are on record with trustees at bankruptcy courts all across the country;
Whereas upstart and Internets-based news sites like The City Wire might one day reach just as many community folks as a “Newspaper of Record”;
Whereas upstarts like The City Wire would be darned appreciative of the revenue generated by the filing of legal notices, with the owners of The City Wire eager to use said revenue on new communication technology like Don Reynolds did with the old communication technology;
Whereas the owners of Web sites like The City Wire would also use the revenue to buy Arkansas Lottery tickets;
Therefore, legal filings can now be placed in Web sites that have the following three words in their Internets address: “The,” “City” and “Wire.”