The thought of losing rattles my soul.
I am a winner, an overachiever and a survivor. But there are moments in life that remind me, I am not in control of all life’s outcomes or my emotions.
Last week, I lost a friend. It was a shock. I did not see it coming. Grief has sat over me in a way that clouded the sunshine that usually resonates within me. This loss tripped my emotional trigger. All kinds of emotions began to pop-up this week which made the mental warfare of facing next week’s visit to MD Anderson (MDA) tougher than usual.
Every time I go to MDA I know there will be a moment in time where I hold my breath and wait to be told if I am winning or losing the battle. Facing that conversation several times a year is hard. I believe God has a plan and is restoring my health. I remain faithful.
However, faith does not prevent sadness. Who is really happy happy happy all the time? Most of the time, I am happy but not all of the time. This week, I was all over the emotional map. I saw a baby and I thought, will I ever have a grandchild? I learned of a breast cancer warrior whose family has called hospice and I wondered if I was seeing a path that could become a part of my own journey?
Every minute of this past week, I questioned if I was spending my time wisely. I over analyzed everything. Not my usual state of mind but it happens from time to time.
Being sad is not my style. Taking positive action moves me from darkness. I celebrate life. So I shifted towards happy thoughts and activities so I thought.
My daughter, Amanda, had taken off two days for her birthday so she could take care of some wedding planning details. I decided I would not miss a minute of time with her. We were going to make fun memories together. And we did but not without tears.
Waking her up on her birthday morning, I realized this would be the last birthday that she would wake up in my home. I cried.
I’ve always made her birthday super special. I am so grateful that she came into my life. She is my biggest blessing. Her birthday lunch was laced with tears as I needed to reflect on all of her past birthdays. I had a burning desire to know that I had given her memories she would forever remember. Afterwards, there we stood in the parking lot of Outback crying like babies. I am so happy that she has found true love. But I am losing her.
So here is my take away from this week as I face news from MDA next week. It is natural to be sad sometimes. It is human to feel weak and alone at times. God has appointed different seasons of life. There is a time for every event under heaven ...
Ecclesiates 3:4: A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.
This week was emotionally challenging but that is okay for tonight I will dance.